Don't Stop

Me & the Scale

I joined a gym.  A fancy gym with personal trainers, saunas, and about a hundred cardio and weight lifting machines.  I am paying for a gym membership and for a trainer, so the cost for this gym is over $100 per month.  I feel simultaneously glad and guilty that the cost is so much.  Glad because the cost is a big motivator.  I am paying as much to go work out as I do for the energy to heat and cool my home.  It's obviously a priority.  Guilty because we recently made the decision to pursue finding and purchasing a home, so I always have the sneaking suspicion that there are better uses for the money.

I have been hitting the gym for about a week now.  I have already weighed myself twice.  When I joined the gym, I told myself, This is about getting healthier.  The ability to climb stairs without getting winded, the ability to get through the day without feeling exhausted by bed time.  But, of course, it's also about my size.  When I had my evaluative appointment with the personal trainer she said pointing to my percentage of body fat (46, if you can believe it), "You are doing badly." She must have seen my face because she immediately reminded me that this was just about my body, not about my abilities in work or life, but simply the condition of the health of my body.  Like so many other times though, the damage was done.  My worst fears were confirmed: I am not good enough.

Since that meeting last week, I have gone to the gym six times.  I've eaten better meals, and said "no" to desserts, seconds, and empty calorie snacks.  I got on the scale and I'd lost three pounds.  I know, logically, that this is a fluke of nature.  I know that on my period week, I will gain almost five pounds of whatever mysterious substance attaches itself to my body and makes my stomach fluff out like rising dough.  I know that a person can lose large amounts of water weight and not actually change the landscape of their bodies.  But as soon as I remember this, I feel like a failure again.  I have reassured myself that my efforts of working out diligently, eating healthily, and actually seeing the scale number drop are still not enough.  Whatever I am, it's not enough.

I have never been what you might call a "head-turner," but I remember vividly an experience from last summer.  I walked the same path two days in a row.  The first day, I was alone and pretty much invisible.  I passed moms and kids who paid me no mind, a group of roofers who were nailing in tar paper, and a couple of young guys running in the park.  No one much cared that I was there.  The next day, I followed the same route walking with my friend who is a professional ballet dancer.  Moms and kids smiled at her and the roofers stopped hammering to watch her walk by. It was one of the few times in my life that I was reminded what a powerful currency a beautiful body can be.  I didn't say anything because I figured it would make my friend uncomfortable, but it made me wonder if life would be different if I had a different genetic make-up—one that made me tall and slender—and made different choices—ate less caloric foods and worked out regularly.  The one, I can't do anything about.  I will always be short and thick.  I know this because I have been in good physical shape before, and I was still short and thick.  The second I can.

So I'm trying again.  For health, I assure myself.  Because nothing will make me into a tall, slender, beautiful girl.  I can only be the most healthy and beautiful version of myself.  I hope it's good enough.

Requested Update

It's true, I haven't blogged in a while.  It turns out a new classroom job means lots of prep and grading.  I haven't been on an official exercisey type walk since I started.  It turns out, though, that I don't often eat lunch at work, because, you know, crap needs doing, and I went from sitting in an office chair 9 hours or more a day to constantly walking around my classroom.  This lack of calories and constant, if not deliberate, exercise has made me lose about 8 pounds so far.

Surely, I need to eat three times a day, which means my goal for this week is to eat three balanced meals.  I also want to spend some time deliberately exercising.  However, I will take the loss and run with it.

Weight: 223
Exercise: every day (super slow walking around the room) and no deliberate exercise.
According to MFP, this is an 8.4 lb loss since the last time I checked in.
Goals: 2 deliberate walks this week, eat three well-balanced meals per day

Note: Today we find out Matthew's bar results, so I'm going to be either celebrating with him or consoling him with large amounts of food and alcohol.  I predict a three pound gain from just TODAY's calorie intake.

Sunday Weigh Down

Hey, y'all!  I lost some weight this week.  Yippee!

Unfortunately, I can't say that was because I did a really good job of meeting my goals.   It's been rainy this week and I didn't get a single walk in.  I think I tracked my foods two days this week, or some such thing.  Mostly, I've been home all week, and have been eating pretty small meals.  That's the only thing I can point to as a reason for this week's success.  Pretty sure I countered all those small meals last night though, because I had two glasses of wine at the Wine and Palette class I hit with Summer, then went to dinner with Matthew and had a Ducky's Pimiento Cheese Burger.  What is that?, you ask.  Well, it's heaven on a bun.  It's also like three days of calories on a bun.  It's a burger patty, two slices of bacon, melted pimiento cheese, and regular burger toppings.  It's pretty fricking delicious.  And totally worth a week's worth of walks every once in a while.

So, I'm sure you want the stats.  Here they are:

Weight: 228.2
Change from last week: -5.2 lbs
Change from highest weight: -6.8 lbs
Exercise this week: 0 minutes (:( )

Goals for this week are track my goddamn food!  Exercise!  Come on!

Weekly Weigh In

This week has been really weird.  I had some bad news about a couple of jobs I was applying for and am getting used to a new, later shift at work (because what I needed was to stay at work longer).  It's just been weird.   I didn't exercise as much (only two times), and I didn't track about three or four days this week.  It was, overall, a pretty sucky week.

So anyway, the stats:

Weight: 233.4
Change from last week: +.8 lbs.
Change from highest weight: -1.6 lbs.
Exercise this week:  2 walks of 30 minutes each

So the moral of this story is to track foods and exercise.  Big surprise.  Goals for this week: 1.) in bed by 11:00 PM (this is often hard because my shift doesn't end at work until 10), 2.) track every day's intake, 3.) at least three 30 minute walks, and 4.) 1.8 lb weight loss. See you next Sunday.

Bad me! Bad, bad me.

So, I was 768 calories over my goal today.  That is, like, a lot of calories to be over my goal!  I had a slice of Neiman Marcus cake and a 12 oz coke, which is a lot of sugar and fat.  And, of course, I felt hungry very soon after eating because there was no fiber to fill me up or protein to keep me full. 

After dinner, I still felt like I wanted to eat more.  I knew, logically, that I shouldn't be hungry, but I felt like I wanted a little something more.  That nagging feeling is a big detractor for me, and it's hard to distract myself.  In the end, though, if I get doing something else for a while, I forget that I was still peckish. 

I also haven't exercised in a couple of days because of the rain. It's been raining off and on, and it should be a good time to exercise (nice and cool, shower built right in!), but I've been using it as an excuse not to walk.   Need to get on that tomorrow morning.  I would walk tonight, but I don't get off of work until ten. 

Next week, I think dessert will be an Angel Food cake with fresh berries.  Sounds a lot healthier than Neiman Marcus cake, but would still satisfy my sweet tooth. 

Sunday Weigh In

Hey, y'all!

It's been a pretty successful week.  I had five thirty to forty-five minute walks, going three miles per hour, and stayed within my calorie goals (according to myfitnesspal) every day except yesterday (which saw one too many glasses of milk).

All of this good behavior added up to a 2.4 pound weight loss this week!

Here are the stats:

Weight last Sunday: 235
Weight this Sunday: 232.6
Net loss: 2.4 lbs
Workouts: Five walks

I'm going to work for as successful a week next week!