Don't Stop

Me & the Scale

I joined a gym.  A fancy gym with personal trainers, saunas, and about a hundred cardio and weight lifting machines.  I am paying for a gym membership and for a trainer, so the cost for this gym is over $100 per month.  I feel simultaneously glad and guilty that the cost is so much.  Glad because the cost is a big motivator.  I am paying as much to go work out as I do for the energy to heat and cool my home.  It's obviously a priority.  Guilty because we recently made the decision to pursue finding and purchasing a home, so I always have the sneaking suspicion that there are better uses for the money.

I have been hitting the gym for about a week now.  I have already weighed myself twice.  When I joined the gym, I told myself, This is about getting healthier.  The ability to climb stairs without getting winded, the ability to get through the day without feeling exhausted by bed time.  But, of course, it's also about my size.  When I had my evaluative appointment with the personal trainer she said pointing to my percentage of body fat (46, if you can believe it), "You are doing badly." She must have seen my face because she immediately reminded me that this was just about my body, not about my abilities in work or life, but simply the condition of the health of my body.  Like so many other times though, the damage was done.  My worst fears were confirmed: I am not good enough.

Since that meeting last week, I have gone to the gym six times.  I've eaten better meals, and said "no" to desserts, seconds, and empty calorie snacks.  I got on the scale and I'd lost three pounds.  I know, logically, that this is a fluke of nature.  I know that on my period week, I will gain almost five pounds of whatever mysterious substance attaches itself to my body and makes my stomach fluff out like rising dough.  I know that a person can lose large amounts of water weight and not actually change the landscape of their bodies.  But as soon as I remember this, I feel like a failure again.  I have reassured myself that my efforts of working out diligently, eating healthily, and actually seeing the scale number drop are still not enough.  Whatever I am, it's not enough.

I have never been what you might call a "head-turner," but I remember vividly an experience from last summer.  I walked the same path two days in a row.  The first day, I was alone and pretty much invisible.  I passed moms and kids who paid me no mind, a group of roofers who were nailing in tar paper, and a couple of young guys running in the park.  No one much cared that I was there.  The next day, I followed the same route walking with my friend who is a professional ballet dancer.  Moms and kids smiled at her and the roofers stopped hammering to watch her walk by. It was one of the few times in my life that I was reminded what a powerful currency a beautiful body can be.  I didn't say anything because I figured it would make my friend uncomfortable, but it made me wonder if life would be different if I had a different genetic make-up—one that made me tall and slender—and made different choices—ate less caloric foods and worked out regularly.  The one, I can't do anything about.  I will always be short and thick.  I know this because I have been in good physical shape before, and I was still short and thick.  The second I can.

So I'm trying again.  For health, I assure myself.  Because nothing will make me into a tall, slender, beautiful girl.  I can only be the most healthy and beautiful version of myself.  I hope it's good enough.

Requested Update

It's true, I haven't blogged in a while.  It turns out a new classroom job means lots of prep and grading.  I haven't been on an official exercisey type walk since I started.  It turns out, though, that I don't often eat lunch at work, because, you know, crap needs doing, and I went from sitting in an office chair 9 hours or more a day to constantly walking around my classroom.  This lack of calories and constant, if not deliberate, exercise has made me lose about 8 pounds so far.

Surely, I need to eat three times a day, which means my goal for this week is to eat three balanced meals.  I also want to spend some time deliberately exercising.  However, I will take the loss and run with it.

Weight: 223
Exercise: every day (super slow walking around the room) and no deliberate exercise.
According to MFP, this is an 8.4 lb loss since the last time I checked in.
Goals: 2 deliberate walks this week, eat three well-balanced meals per day

Note: Today we find out Matthew's bar results, so I'm going to be either celebrating with him or consoling him with large amounts of food and alcohol.  I predict a three pound gain from just TODAY's calorie intake.

Sunday Weigh Down

Hey, y'all!  I lost some weight this week.  Yippee!

Unfortunately, I can't say that was because I did a really good job of meeting my goals.   It's been rainy this week and I didn't get a single walk in.  I think I tracked my foods two days this week, or some such thing.  Mostly, I've been home all week, and have been eating pretty small meals.  That's the only thing I can point to as a reason for this week's success.  Pretty sure I countered all those small meals last night though, because I had two glasses of wine at the Wine and Palette class I hit with Summer, then went to dinner with Matthew and had a Ducky's Pimiento Cheese Burger.  What is that?, you ask.  Well, it's heaven on a bun.  It's also like three days of calories on a bun.  It's a burger patty, two slices of bacon, melted pimiento cheese, and regular burger toppings.  It's pretty fricking delicious.  And totally worth a week's worth of walks every once in a while.

So, I'm sure you want the stats.  Here they are:

Weight: 228.2
Change from last week: -5.2 lbs
Change from highest weight: -6.8 lbs
Exercise this week: 0 minutes (:( )

Goals for this week are track my goddamn food!  Exercise!  Come on!

Weekly Weigh In

This week has been really weird.  I had some bad news about a couple of jobs I was applying for and am getting used to a new, later shift at work (because what I needed was to stay at work longer).  It's just been weird.   I didn't exercise as much (only two times), and I didn't track about three or four days this week.  It was, overall, a pretty sucky week.

So anyway, the stats:

Weight: 233.4
Change from last week: +.8 lbs.
Change from highest weight: -1.6 lbs.
Exercise this week:  2 walks of 30 minutes each

So the moral of this story is to track foods and exercise.  Big surprise.  Goals for this week: 1.) in bed by 11:00 PM (this is often hard because my shift doesn't end at work until 10), 2.) track every day's intake, 3.) at least three 30 minute walks, and 4.) 1.8 lb weight loss. See you next Sunday.

Bad me! Bad, bad me.

So, I was 768 calories over my goal today.  That is, like, a lot of calories to be over my goal!  I had a slice of Neiman Marcus cake and a 12 oz coke, which is a lot of sugar and fat.  And, of course, I felt hungry very soon after eating because there was no fiber to fill me up or protein to keep me full. 

After dinner, I still felt like I wanted to eat more.  I knew, logically, that I shouldn't be hungry, but I felt like I wanted a little something more.  That nagging feeling is a big detractor for me, and it's hard to distract myself.  In the end, though, if I get doing something else for a while, I forget that I was still peckish. 

I also haven't exercised in a couple of days because of the rain. It's been raining off and on, and it should be a good time to exercise (nice and cool, shower built right in!), but I've been using it as an excuse not to walk.   Need to get on that tomorrow morning.  I would walk tonight, but I don't get off of work until ten. 

Next week, I think dessert will be an Angel Food cake with fresh berries.  Sounds a lot healthier than Neiman Marcus cake, but would still satisfy my sweet tooth. 

Sunday Weigh In

Hey, y'all!

It's been a pretty successful week.  I had five thirty to forty-five minute walks, going three miles per hour, and stayed within my calorie goals (according to myfitnesspal) every day except yesterday (which saw one too many glasses of milk).

All of this good behavior added up to a 2.4 pound weight loss this week!

Here are the stats:

Weight last Sunday: 235
Weight this Sunday: 232.6
Net loss: 2.4 lbs
Workouts: Five walks

I'm going to work for as successful a week next week!

Guess who didn't walk yesterday!

That'd be me.  I set my alarm for 6:30, knowing that I needed to get up and walk, then when it rolled around, so dark and early, I snuggled back up to Matthew and went to sleep.  I also didn't track yesterday.  I am pretty sure I was within the calorie goals, but I can't know because I didn't keep up with it all day.

One good fitness thing that happened though: Summer, the friend I met for coffee, also walks.  We decided to meet up on Mondays and Wednesdays and walk together.  I have a walking buddy!  It was nice to have coffee with her and catch up a little. We're also doing one of those wine and canvas things, so that'll be fun too!  So, while I didn't do well on the tracking, and I didn't go for my walk, yesterday wasn't a total draw.  Small wins, people.

This morning, I did get out of bed (yay me!) and I'm now eating breakfast before I head out to walk.  Today will be more on track than yesterday. :)

Early Mornings

Ugh. I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  It was supremely tempting to just curl up next to Matthew and say, screw you, exercise.  But I didn't.  I got out of bed, despite staying up late the night before, put on my workout stuff and hit the ol' dusty trail.  Which was quite literally very dusty because of some road work going on right now.

After my walk, I was getting ready to take a shower and looked at myself in the mirror.  Wow, I thought, I think my stomach is flatter already!  I must be doing really well!  Then I realized I was sucking in.  I mean, I honestly didn't know it until that moment.  I wonder if this is why I think I look good in the morning, then see my reflection in a building or something and realize I look blobby.  I let my tummy go and thought, Yeah, not as good.  Need to make sure I keep that tucked in all the time.

Tomorrow morning, I have a feeling it will take all of my will to get out of bed and go exercise, because a.) I'm already sleepy from very little sleep last night, 2.) it's already past 11, and c.) I have a coffee date in the morning.  But I lost another .6 of a pound today, so I guess I need to just keep on eating healthy and exercising.

I can do it.  Even if it's the ass-crack of dawn.  It can be arranged.

Day two of the Great Awakening. Or Great Transformation. Or whatever.

Woke up around 6:30 and thought, Damn, it's early. But that's okay.  I got up, put on my sweaty exercise clothes from yesterday (no sense in getting another set sweaty, right?) and went to get coffee and breakfast.

I don't know about you guys, but if I don't eat in the morning, I'm not going to make it very far into my walk. Like, five minutes, then I'm huffing and puffing and tired.  Not that I didn't do that anyway, it just took longer.    I did a thirty-two minute walk and went almost exactly two miles.  Now, if I double my time, I'll be running a ten minute mile! I should be up for that in about a year or something (if ever).

I weighed myself this morning and have lost 1.4 pounds since Saturday.  My body does this.  It's like a freaking roller coaster.  Or waves at least.  I'll steadily drop weight through the week, then for some indiscernible reason, my weight will jump up by three pounds or so.  I also have a tendency to gain like five pounds the week of my period, but drop it pretty much immediately.

Why are these minute changes (one pound, three pounds, even five pounds) such a big deal?  They make up a tiny percentage of what I weigh, but it is so frustrating to see a pound (or three or five) creep back onto the scale.  I understand that weight fluctuations are totally normal and I should expect them, but they are not welcome.

So anyway, the success of losing a pound and almost a half is tempered by the knowledge it probably had nothing to do with what I've done in the last two days.  But I'll take the drop.  And the next time I see the number creep up for one reason or another, I'll remember to try again tomorrow and that what I do every day matters more than what I do once in a while.

Hello, again, my workout peeps

So guess what.  I weighed myself yesterday and I was the fattest I have ever been by one pound.  235.  I was wearing a dress yesterday and noticed I looked particularly blobby and decided to check it out.  Turns out I am particularly blobby.  It seems it is time to get serious about this shit.  I've been yo-yoing, publicly, for about two years now.

I've tried the massive exercise schemes (BeFitin90, Intensity, and Cto5K) and they haven't worked very well for me.  I've also tried to track my diet, and found that I'm not very reliable in writing down/entering my intake.  What do I lack? Commitment.

I could say time, but that would be a lie.  I definitely waste at least 30 minutes a day and could carve out that time to exercise.  Tracking the food I eat takes only minutes, and I don't do it because I don't—or didn't—care.  But here's where not caring got me: fat(ter).

Apathy doesn't just affect fitness.  When I'm apathetic about the budget, we spend too much money.  When I'm apathetic about work, my product quality and quantity slips.  When I'm apathetic about relationships, they decay.  Apathy is the slow death and reversal of progress.

So, it looks like it's time to care again.  And this time, with your help, I want to keep on caring. Indefinitely.  Infinitely.

This morning, I did a thirty minute power walk.  You would not believe how out of shape I am.  I was huffing and puffing (not blowing any houses down, though) and was so overheated by the time I got home, a cool shower couldn't cool me down.  Of course, I went for this walk at 10 AM in July, so I'm sure an earlier start would help.  I started using My Fitness Pal to track my foods again, too.  It's day one, all over again.

While I know that alcoholics and drug addicts certainly face much bigger challenges than I do, their "one day at a time" motto is pretty much how I'm going to have to do this. I have lots of quotes.  A quick tour of pinterest could provide enough fitness inspiration to get anyone thinking about running marathons. "No matter how slow you go, you're lapping the ones on the couch." "Don't give up because of what someone said or did.  Use that as motivation to give it all you've got." "Sweat is fat crying."  My personal favorite, "Get the fuck out of bed." Yep.  That's what I need to do.

Or another favorite, "Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." That's the goal.  Try again tomorrow.  And the next day.  And so on.  Until it's no longer trying, it's just doing.

Track before the food is ingested

Yesterday, I didn't track my dinner until after I'd already eaten it. I ate a large burger, some sweet potato fries, and two apple jacks (not the cereal, a delicious concoction of a hard cider with honey reserve whiskey added).  I thought for sure I would be well over my calories with just the burger, but it wasn't as calorie-heavy as I thought.  I added in the sweet potato fries and I was still under.  One apple jack, still under!  15 calories were left.  At this point...I could fib and say, no I didn't have a second apple jack.  Totally stayed under my calorie goal.  Yep.

Now, for the past three days, I've been over my calorie goal.  It was a lot to do with eating out and eating more than I should, but I am surprised at how tempting it is to fib.  Like really tempting.  Which is weird, because no one sees my food log but me. It's password protected and is only for my own records, but I really want to see "under her calorie goal" for some reason.

Ideally, I would be tracking food before it's in my face, but I was eating while working on something and thought, I'll have time to track it later. I assumed I'd be over my goal because, duh, cheeseburger.  So might as well eat whatever I want.  If I had stopped and tracked the food before I ate it, I guarantee you I would not have had  a second apple jack.  I would have been delighted to be under my calorie goal and would have happily had water.

Moral of this story: Track before the food is ingested.

Tracking foods

I've been doing pretty well at tracking my foods in myfitnesspal.com, and I've made some progress.  I've lost five pounds over the last two weeks, even without counting calories last weekend.  I'm pretty glad with that.  If I can keep my weight going steadily downward, that would be great.

So what have I learned since my last post?  I can have a cheat day.  I can even have a cheat weekend, if I want, as long as I don't go crazy.  If I make it the new regular to track my calories, and not-tracking is odd, I think I'll see my weight continue to go down.

I am much more accountable for what I put in my mouth if I put it down on paper (so to speak) first.  I know this.  Everyone knows this. It's, like, elementary dieting.  But it still surprises me how much of a difference it makes over a couple of weeks. Now, if I can commit myself to doing it long term, that would be just awesome.

It's easy to do when I'm at home, but it's harder when I'm on vacation, or out with friends, or whatever.  But even if I don't track for a day or a meal, that's okay.  I'm not perfect, try as I might.  Dropping the ball gives me the chance to pick it up again.

Love,

Rachel

It's a new year.

It's a new year, and I'm seven pounds down from last year.  It's not much, and my weight has fluctuated all year, but it's a downward trend I'd like to keep up.  Anytime I weigh myself, I am disappointed, but when I look at where I came from, I know that I am making improvements.  My weight is going down.  Slowly, surely. 

Again, this year, I am committing to myself to reach for healthier foods and work my body more.  I am adding to this by committing to also get up each morning, get dressed in flattering clothes, put on my makeup, and fix my hair.  I don't know why this makes a difference, but for me, it certainly does.  I get more done, feel better about myself, and I feel like I'm better prepared for emergencies.  If Matthew calls me at 11:45 to meet him for lunch at 12, I'm ready.  If I need to go to the grocery store, I'm not worried that I look like a slob the whole time I'm shopping. 

This year, I want to lose 13 pounds.  I want to lose at least a pound a month and at the end of the year I want to look back and say I'm down 20 pounds from two years ago.  Slow and steady.

Weekly(ish) Update

It's been a crazy few weeks around here, though why I think it will slow down I'm not sure.  Matthew is back in school and I'm back to my normal duties at work. This week has been interesting, and yet again, I dropped Weight Watchers.  It was time to renew my three month subscription and I was not interested in paying that big chunk of money again.  So it's back to myfitnesspal and keeping that up.

I gained about four pounds over the last couple of weeks, much of which had to do with a huge pile of stress at work and lots of eating out from having no off time.  Matthew said he gained weight too, which is no surprise, since he eats what I eat.  This week, though, I'm back down to 217, and I anticipate being back at 215 by the end of the week or so.  We bought lots of fruits and veggies this week to have healthy snack foods around, and I made a menu plan to stave off eating out.  Tonight: tortellini soup with lots of veggies and tastiness.  :)

Weight: 217
Water: 4 cups a day
Exercise: brief (and I mean brief) walks each day

Goals:
Weight: 215
Water: 8 cups a day
Exercise: five block walks at least four times this week.

Weekly Weigh In: Hello 2teens!

Hello, again!  The past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic, with a sudden, fast-paced project at work, parties, and dates with Matthew.  :)

I am still working on making healthier choices at parties and when we're out on a date, but the rest of the time, I've tracked pretty well, and lost weight to prove it!  As of this morning, I'm in the 2teens! Yay!

Weight: 217.2
Exercise: minimal
Water: about half my goal

Goals for this week:
Weight: 1 pound loss
Exercise: 3 twenty minute walks
Water: 64 oz. per day

I can do it!

Bye bye, arm flab

Okay, I know this is gross, but when I used to do my hair, I would notice the flabby, gross bits of nastiness hanging off my upper arms.  This morning, when I was putting on my workout clothes and pulling my hair into a pony tail, I noticed, Hey, there's no gross stuff on my arms anymore.  Now, yes, I still would like to see my arms get more toned, but come on, you have to admit, this is awesome.  I think all those push ups, mountain climbers, and plank walk outs that make me curse at the aerobics video chick are making a difference!

Slightly Elevated Blood Sugar

My aunt was recently diagnosed with type II diabetes, and this was definitely a wake up call for me.  We are similar in  many ways, but one of them is our love of unhealthy foods.  In my teenage years, when I headed to her house, I would pick up a package of cookies and the two of us would eat them all in a weekend.  We both love high fat, delicious foods, and this love of food has had a negative effect on both of our bodies.

When I went to see the doctor last month, she ran a full chemical panel on me.  I got the results today, and it turns out, my blood sugar was high.  Not high enough for me to be considered diabetic, but five points above the "normal range" at 104.  65-99 is considered normal and 125 or higher is considered diabetic.  I believe this makes me "pre-diabetic." Oof.  Pre-diabetic at the age of 26.  That's a wake-up call if I've ever had one.

Dr. Bettina told me in the office visit, "Rachel, overall, you seem to be a healthy girl.  Is it a good idea to get your weight in check now?  Yes." She reaffirmed this statement on my test results with an impersonal, "Strongly recommend: Healthy diet. Regular exercise. Weight reduction."  Well, Dr. Bettina, I'm workin' on it.

Weekly Weigh In: Week 44

I was sick this week (feeling much better now, thank you).  The general inability to taste anything might have had something to do with my weight loss this week, but that's okay.  I did NO exercise this week, since I felt   exhausted and boneless most of the week.  I did not track my foods well either.

This week, though, is a brand-spanking-new week, and I have already tracked my breakfast. ;) My plan for today is a twenty minute walk with Matthew and the doggles this evening after dinner.  I will drink water throughout the day from my straw cup. We don't know why, but anecdotal evidence seems to support that people will drink more from a cup with a straw.   I know it's true for me.  I feel like I'm getting up to refill that thing every fifteen minutes. 

Snacking on fruits and veggies is a huge score for me, since I do feel full all day long and it cuts down on the gigantic portions I used to eat at dinner and lunch. Also, when I was doing myfitnesspal, I would track those babies, and it was frustrating to see my calorie count going higher when I was eating something healthy.  Now, I understand that healthy foods also have calories and when my points for the day are gone and I eat a salad I am still adding calories to my body, but WW makes me feel so much better about it because I don't get any extra points for fruits and veggies.  It's wonderful! 

Back to the being sick this week, I felt sick for five (5) days.  Matthew, my sweetheart of a hubby, is still sick, and got sick the Thursday of week before last.  I think that taking a multi-vitamin and eating all my fruits and veggies is boosting my immune system.  I was thinking I would be sick all week this week, but I'm feeling almost entirely better today, and I was only a little bit sick! Yay! 

Now down to the nitty-gritty. 

Progress: 

Weight: 220.4 (I'd like to point out that this number has a zero for its last digit.  Next week, I hope that it will be in the teens!)

Exercise:  A big fat negatory on this one.  Sorry guys.  I'll do better this week.  

Water: I didn't track, but it still feels like not enough. 

Goals:

Weight: At least a one pound loss.  Two-teens, here I come! 

Exercise: Imma say...two high intensity (BeFitin90) and three low intensity (walks with Matthew) 

Water: 64 ounces a day, every day this week. 

Weekly Weigh In

This past week, I was in Las Vegas for work.  Surprisingly, this wasn't the train-wreck for my diet  lifestyle change I thought it would be.  Eating out every day was not too bad, and I ate fatty meals only once or twice on our trip.  I mainly stuck with foods like fish tacos, a delicious roasted peach and Gorgonzola salad, and shrimp Baja salad.  These meals were delicious and tasty too! 

I raved to Matthew about that peach salad, and when I logged on to my Weight Watchers app this morning, there it was:  the recipe for Arugula, Peach, and Goat Cheese Salad.  

Makes 4 servings

15 minutes prep time

WW Points Plus: 4 per serving

3 medium peaches, ripe but not mushy

1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

1 Tbsp red wine vinegar (apple cider or balsamic would each taste good too)

1/4 tsp table salt

1/4 tsp black pepper

6 cups, arugula

1/2 small red onion, sliced thinly

1/4 cup semisoft goat cheese, crumbled

1/4 cups dry roasted pistachios, coarsely chopped

Peel and pit one peach; cut into chunks.  Cut remaining peaches into thin slices or wedges; set aside. Put peach chunks, oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper in a blender; blend until smooth and set aside.  Place arugula, onion, and peach slices in a large serving bowl; drizzle with dressing and gently toss to coat.  Sprinkle with cheese and nuts; grind some extra black pepper over the top if desired.  Yields about 2 cups of salad mixture and tablespoon each cheese and nuts per serving. 

You could use mango or apricots instead of peaches, or roast your peaches for a new level of flavor.  It's a delicious twist on the basic green salad.

*This is a Weight Watchers' recipe and not mine.  I do not take credit for this idea.* 

So, this week, I didn't track meals like I should (even when I'm out of town), but I did make some progress. I lost two pounds.  I ate fairly healthily, with the exception of an In-n-Out burger one night, a few Cokes during the week, and a piece of coconut cream pie.  I worked out by swimming about 20 minutes one day and walking three miles one day (it was a four day trip).  I am fairly proud of myself, and felt it was pretty easy to pick back up Saturday: tracking my foods, exercising, and knowing I still made progress over the week. 

Weight: 223.0

Exercise: good 'nuff

Water: Not enough for Vegas.  It's really hot and dry there.  This is one place I would really need to improve if I were there on a regular basis.  By the time we left, I had dried, chapped lips and dried out skin.  

Total weight loss so far according to my Weight Watcher's app: 9 pounds (apparently I was at 232 at some point).